I can't see the line from here

What should I do when I've had enough?

Being a teacher is just a job for me. It's not my career, or passion. I never want to deal with parents or make lesson plans. But for now it pays the bills, and having nap time built in is a huge bonus.

There is a set of twins who I love, but really test the teachers. They've just turned three and are terrors to the max. My boss has had to put them in separate classrooms because they're such monsters together. They're loving boys, and quite adorable, but become so obscenely violent it's impossible to be around them. Peri will kick me, bite me, pull my hair, scream at me to go away-- and I'm his favorite. Roman will laugh in a teacher's face until we are so incredibly frustrated we have to walk away before he's physically harmed, then he gets his way.

So where's the line between the job and the involvement in these kids' lives? Am I supposed to love them as much as I do? Or just put up with them until 5pm? The answers clear. I babysit right after work and on weekends. I go to their birthday parties, dance classes, and the park to play, without being payed. It's not about making a reputation for myself, although the parents do love when I show up, but I genuinely enjoy spending time with these children. But when they revolt, and attack, I resort to being just an employee, and confuse the hell out of the kids. When I tell them to go talk to another teacher, or I don't want to be around them because they're hurting me, not only are they hurt, but they don't know if I'm coming back. I'm not parent who will tuck them in no matter what happens. I'm just a teacher. I leave. And sometimes, they won't see me for days. Today I realized how horrible this must be for a kid. I always knew they missed me, but could I be creating deeper issues?

**apologies if this is not coherent, quite fevered**

Elsa Extravaganza

I got to babysit Elsa this evening. We had special time, just me and her. She was so excited,
as was I. Elsa pretended to feed me mushrooms (circular blocks) and I pretended to be disgusted-- and she loved it.


In the middle of playing, she decided we needed music. Off she went, putting in an Al Green cd, then connecting headphones. Standing there, dancing by herself, I couldn't have loved it more.

I have been known to put any, and every, kid to sleep. Whether it be nap time or bed time, I never have a problem. Elsa has been quite a problem for her parent, but she doesn't nap with me at school, so I had my fears. Alas, my reputation remains untarnished. Elsa and I went up to bed at 6:45p, read two books, sang two songs, and out she was by 7:15p. One more kid down, many more to come I'm sure.

Birthday Wishes

One of my favorite kids- Elsa- had her birthday party today up at the Paul Green School of Rock. Her parents are fantastic and organized- in conjunction with a friends also celebrating their daughters' birthdays- a costume dance party. Forget the kiddie music -- put on Abba, Violent Femmes, and Prince. Hang a disco ball and have some random hipsters dancing on stage and the scene is set.

Best part- I got to spend time with Elsa. She and I have a wonderfully special relationship. I'm her favorite teacher, and she's an all-time favorite kid. She sat on me and told me to start listening. I pretended trying to get up. She'd tackle me down.

She melted into my lap as soon as I got there.
My heart melted all over her.

Elsa, hanging on my leg, of course.

Aching Heart

I'm writing an article on becoming a mother to a former charge. It reminds me how much I needed Madeline in my life, and, also, how much I miss my current kids.

I'm working sparse hours because of school as of late. Instead of having my normal class of 14 two-three year olds, I'm rotated around the school. I get great fulfillment from my job, regardless of whose class I'm in, but my kids, the kids I had everyday from April through mid September, are irreplaceable.

And they miss me too.

I was in the 'horse' classroom today, and the kids tackle me. Josie will cry if I leave for just a minute. Kids panic that I won't come back. They feel abandoned. And I feel guilty. I got to fall asleep with Elsa today at nap time. I'm her favorite teacher -all ego aside. I get to go to her birthday party this weekend which I 'm pumped for. But missing out on the day to day is starting to wear on me. The hugs, smiles, new words, art projects; the utter joy each child exudes is contagious. As I walk through the school door, my baggage falls off my back and nothing matters more than what we'll have for snack, or if Jude will sit on the potty today.

I miss my kids terribly, but am I entitled to feel this way?

Optical Occasion

Josie's mom, an optometrist, came to my class today to discuss the eye. She brought in extra pairs of adult glasses for each of the kids -- which they loved.

Mabel, wearing her glasses, and also the daughter of a mom-doctor, comes to me saying: "Hello. I am Dr. Mabel. Now what can I help you with today."

On another note, Josie's parents brought in cupcakes for her upcoming birthday. Her mother was going to collect and throw out the cupcake wrappers. I told her that the kids could clean up after themselves, in which she sincerely responded with, "They can?!"

Josie

I have a pet bunny, LaBrown.

Josie sits on my lap while playing outside at work and, completely unprompted, asks: Is LaBrown doing well? Is she still peeing on the couch?

Lovely, refreshing sincerity.

Growing Pains

I am in my first real workplace ethical debacle.

A co-worker is violent with our kids. She makes the day miserable, stressful, and rather unbearable for the other teachers and children. A family left the school today because of her behavior, but called me before making a final decision. Was it ethical to accept the personal phone call about professional issues? My boss is extremely concerned, but doesn't feel ready to fire my coworker. She wants me to "blow the whistle" immediately after/during the next incident. Do I get this girl fired? She trusts me.

I'm struggling with where my loyalties should lie, the family? My boss? My coworker?